Nicola

Why did you agree to participate?

I have depression. A mental illness. A disease that far too many people overlook. It is draining.
A boxing match goes on in your head all day. You vs You.
No matter the odds, you are still defeated. You keep fighting until all your bones are broke and your body no longer responds, and then you fight some more. Every night when you go to sleep you pray that that was the last time your eyes stayed open. But once again, you wake up, disappointed, and you go into battle again.
Breathing becomes a chore, and your body aches from not eating. You are hollow inside, feeling nothing. No emotions, no love, no thoughts, it’s just a deep pain of nothing.
I want to let those who are in the same or similar situation know that no matter how much the dark side tries to drag you down, do not stop fighting. You will be the hero of this story. My horse is the reason I am still here today and the reason I will keep clawing my way back to the top. I now know that I will survive whatever is thrown at me. I know I am still strong at my weakest times. I know I have people who care about me. I have grown to realize that I am not the only one who suffers and that I have a voice. I agreed to participate because I am still here. I am still breathing, and I am ready to tell my story, because I am empowered.

“You were with me through it all. You helped fight my demons and heal my wounds. You managed to put a smile on my face when tears ran down the cracks. You nuzzled my scars and stood by my side while my mind tried to crush my soul. For that I thank you.

Thank you for helping me survive.”

How do you feel when you are with your animal?

I feel free. I don’t feel trapped. I don’t feel like I’m drowning. The rest of the world just disappears when I am with him.

~ Nicola Paulovich

What have humans said to you to that was hurtful?

“You are not good enough”
“You should know this! You’re “so and so’s” daughter!”
I was never good enough for certain individuals.
Individuals that I
worshipped. I tried so
hard to impress them
and to eventually be
like them, I just
wanted them to
acknowledge the fact
that I was trying, but
they never did. Instead
they always turned me
away or put me down.
I was young and
vulnerable, so I
believed them. I
believed them when
they told me I wasn’t
good enough, which
made me the
perfectionist I am
today. I believed them
when they told me my
answers were never up
to par, which makes
me second guess
everything I do today.
I believed them when they made plans to help me, but never did, which made me put up brick walls and barbed wire around my feelings to this day. These individuals hurt me when I was a child. The individuals that I idolized were the ones who kick started my mental illness in my teenage years.

“Nothing beautiful comes without some suffering.”

What do you wish you could share with others, in a way that may be able to encourage them to grow and understand the impact of words upon your soul.

I encourage others to find themselves. Find out who YOU really are. Explore. Learn to survive on your own. Have positive people around you and to encourage you. So many people live for others, running up the walls just to please people who will never try to please us, some don’t even realize it. Why can’t we live for ourselves? Please ourselves and ENJOY ourselves.

What have humans said that was helpful and encouraging?

“If anyone can make broken look beautiful, it is you.” “You are a survivor, and you will get through this.” “Don’t quit, you’ve made it this far.”
“We all care about you.”

How do you feel now that you have seen a few of your images... are there more words you would like to put to those images?

I was speechless and in awe of our photos. I could see the forgiveness and thankfulness. The growth and the strength. And the powerfulness of our souls becoming one. When I look at these photos, I do not see the hurt, anger, or tear stained cheeks. I see Beauty. Something that I have not seen or thought of myself for a long time.

What did you learn?

I am the one who has control over my life, and no one can take that away from me ever again.